we're on a mission from god

wendy so i got that going darling

i picked the wrong way to quit sniffing

blue light of my life

we enjoy your films

i thought they smelled bad on the

outside

[Music]

welcome to vintage video where we're

re-watching the 80s so you don't have to

we'll be reviewing every major film

release of the 1980s in real time i'm

patrick o'reilly i'm jesse bayless and

i'm richard wells and today marks the

40th anniversary of the release of

gorp on may 1 1980 it was written by

jeffrey konvitz

based on a story by jeffrey konvitz and

a martin zyback

directed by joseph rubin and released by

american international pictures

gorp killed american international

pictures yes

this is their last film although we will

be covering two more

american international pictures the

visitor and how to beat the high cost of

living which have later release dates in

the us but

this was the nail in the coffin i am not

surprised

alfred hitchcock passed away day before

yesterday april 29

1980 this does not portend well gorp

is an acronym for good old raisins and

peanuts

it plays no part in the film yeah really

i don't get it what does that mean i

don't know it's also technically go rap

i think go rap is an even weirder name

for this movie

i don't know why this movie's called

gorp no one even eats gorp in this movie

there's not even like one shot of a

person eating gorp

like it makes less sense than when eli

roth wanted to call

cabin fever like country hams because it

says that on a sign

right at the store it's like

why why is this called gorp i don't

understand anyway is that a thing is

that like a camp thing or something

never heard of it i mean i know it's the

thing that

that runners eat because i mean is that

is that what they call

is that what they is that is that like

you know when people say trail mix

do they say gorp do people say that they

might

no one says it in this movie i've i mean

i've just never heard of it before

yeah i only know it because of the imdb

trivia page

um but yeah so that's what this movie's

called that's all the production notes i

have other than like a little tidbit

later there's not much to be found about

this movie

there's not much about anything in this

movie yeah i even found a book about

american international pictures and the

whole thing was just like

a very glowing review of the movie and

about how brilliant it was

yes i'm pretty sure it was just written

by someone who was involved in the

making of the film because

it was mr gorpe yeah mr gorpe did it

mr gorb tear down this wall this movie

was

incredibly difficult to get through this

to go

tear down this film a van full of kids

pulls up to an old cabin on a lake

the guys pile into the place mad bobby

grossman runs

past some of them and moons them from

the top of the stairs

this is dennis quaid uh as like a

half-assed jim carrey character

i guess but also like very inconsistent

like he he reminds me also of uh

d-day from animals a little bit of d-day

and

uh tackle berry from uh police academy

okay

yeah it seems like he's trying to play

like the bad

crazy guy and everything but

the character feels very disjointed from

scene to scene

it doesn't feel like denis quite is

completely committing to the character

which i think is part of the problem

and said he seems like hesitant with all

the weird stuff that he does but

i don't know that it would be better if

he were fully committing to this right

um and we're getting him later in the

the brothers western right

yes and randy yeah it's just like

he's so strange in this yeah it's only a

couple years later that he'll be in like

the right stuff

in inner space yeah it's not

it's not a good good move from him i

feel like the quaid people are

keeping this movie out of the public eye

um but they're not doing a very good job

keeping randy out of the public eye

it's just the dennis quaid people they

used all their energy

to wipe this movie off of the face of

the earth and then they don't have

nothing left to keep randy secret um

steinberg takes a bathroom stall

basically as his bunk where he remains

for almost

the entire rest of the film uh he never

actually says a word

um he's just some random nerdy character

and about him sort of

says yeah he has like he doesn't

actually say the words though it's

sounds that are dubbed over as much yes

they're not coming out of him grossman

has a very large

gun and a bomb by his bed that he's

constantly working on

with no payoff no payoff at all

so this is dumb for some reason

this movie is about two guys like the

main character is two different guys

right who look almost at the same

anyways they look practically the same

they say all the same things

do all the same dumb stuff for the whole

movie it might as well have just been

one character

because it's supposed to be that they

have like a rivalry going but

they're different they're so friendly to

each other yeah about the rivalry

and they often go in on the rivalry at

the same time together

yeah like we're gonna do this together

right now yeah but their names are

bergman and cavall i'm just gonna call

them the guys

yeah that's for most of this movie they

approach a

locker that is shaking in the bottom

floor of their cabin

and they open it to find capparello

masturbating

or having a seizure they don't like stop

to check and see if he's dying

i don't i did not i i was guessing what

was happening

yeah but then i was like all right

i think that maybe the director had

never masturbated before and so he's

just like

i don't know what it looks like when

people are masturbating can you just

shake and he's like that's not what it

looks like he's like just shake okay i'm

the director but yeah he's masturbating

in his locker

lobster is like the eddie diesen

character and

fats is the fat kid who i might just

call eddie diesen and

and the fat kid for the rest

what's his name steven first from animal

house yeah exactly

it's it's basically just eddie diesen

and stephen first again

um except for eddie diesen here is like

a ginger

it's the only difference but other than

that he's exactly an eddie decent

character

and they are sent on a mission to go

take pictures of the girls arriving at

camp

um fats breaks his camera immediately

but somehow lobster gets perfect

photographs of it yeah

fetterman introduces uh the boys to the

kitchen fetterman is like their

boss he's like the um the brian doyle

murray and caddyshack

character that's like second in command

at this camp

and uh he introduces them to these

kitchen people who like these these guys

all worked as waiters last summer so

they know the kitchen staff already

because they worked with them last

summer

but they played off like this is the

first time they're meeting

and uh in rapid succession we are

introduced to fred the chef

this big black guy that just doesn't

talk to anybody

he's slamming the meat cleaver down yeah

he's like looks like he's a maniac and

then suddenly as soon as like

fetterman's gone they're like all

laughing with each other like they're

all best friends

we have andy on salads who we basically

never see again a guy who's just

sneezing into salad

and indian joe who we never see again

after this scene

well we we see him but they don't have

any

they play no part in this yeah we do see

him sneezing multiple times

throughout the film yeah um we have

sweet mo

who is uh the chef's assistant that's

otis day coming back

for a second film in a row and mike the

pimp

is the name of one of the characters and

he's apparently in charge of

drying like someone else does the

washing and then he literally

just dries the dishes after they're

washed

and uh he doesn't play a part after this

and then we have wino willie on

beverages

who is bathing in a sink yeah he's like

scrubbing his

feet in a full sink of water with like

he's got like a toilet scrubber that

he's using to scrub his feet

and he will be like the most prominent

of the kitchen staff

he reminds me of like a character that

booger would play now

yeah but he would play it better he

would no absolutely yeah

why not armstrong yeah and then

i saved the worst for last bible louie

who quote unquote handles the freezer so

i don't know what that means like he

puts things in it and takes things out

of it

seems like there's a real [ __ ] easy

kitchen to run if you can have a job

that's literally just drying plates or

taking things out of a freezer

but lobster comes in and he hands off

the pictures of the girls

and they basically just hand them all

out and everybody calls dibs on the

girls from the pictures

kavel and bergman fight over the only 12

out of 10

super hot attractive girl i guess she

kind of looks like all the other girls

in all of these pictures

and bible louie comes out and pretends

that he's preaching for a while before

cursing a bunch which he will do

nine more times over the course of this

movie walrus wallman

tells fetterman what his plan is that

these are all crappy waiters and uh

they'll at least get the job done but

he's gonna find them every time they

screw up

and he'll find them so much that he'll

never have to pay any of them so he's

basically getting

free work out of these people and he's

promising fetterman 10

of all the fines that uh he's able to

collect from them which basically means

that

he's paying fetterman instead of the

waiters and he's only paying him 10

of what he'd have to pay a full weight

staff bible louis pretends to preach

again

and then sucks on a naked picture of a

girl after shouting

[Applause]

because the joke is that he's religious

but he says

perverted things that's the joke every

time

i don't know i'm not sure what any of

the jokes are in this movie it is

rough it's the problem is that it's

trying so hard

every single scene the the characters

are trying extremely are they trying

hard because literally every scene

is almost identical like every scene

every character was getting a huge

workout

in every scene yeah but every but every

character does the same thing in every

scene that's why it's a workout because

literally

in almost every scene in this movie it

is just a

bunch of dudes running around

frantically screaming

they're shocking every scene like you

would just count them in a row

they are yelling in the kitchen they're

yelling in the dining room they're

yelling in their buns all just running

around frantically that's every scene of

this movie

it seems like they thought that the

louder you say a joke the funnier it is

and i guarantee you every time they said

cut on this movie everyone had to sit on

the floor

and breathe for like two minutes because

they're they're

exerting themselves i mean i don't know

if they're trying but they're exerting

themselves at least in every single

scene

everybody's running around full speed

using their whole body to act with and

none of it's funny stuff's falling all

over the ground and they have to stumble

over things all the time

and every single character is in every

single shot so they're like oh you three

guys pretend his butt's stuck in a

toilet

you uh pretend that you're just smashing

your head against that wall that's funny

you drop a bunch of bowls on the floor

that's funny when people do that

and it's none of the things are funny

but it just seems like

they were trying to crowd the shot so

you wouldn't notice that nothing is

happening in any of the scenes

but uh yeah so the next scene tony

cavell and bergman go to a restaurant

cavell and bergman are hitting on the

12. tony goes and finds roseanne

arquette

and starts dancing with her and they

will go on to have basically a romeo

juliet story in the film

because he's poor and puerto rican and

she is a self-described jewish american

princess

heir to a deodorant fortune and i did

actually think there was one funny

moment here where

she explains that her family makes

deodorant and that they're rich

and he immediately just puts his face in

her armpit to smell it and she starts

laughing

like the two of them feel like the only

genuine characters in this whole movie

everyone else is like

a caricature and they're really only in

like two or three scenes yeah but in

every scene they're the best part of

this whole movie

they were in but yeah so at a nearby

booth one of the

bigger guys uses lobster's teeth to open

a beer

um and then he just holds his mouth and

goes ow ow ow for like a full

30 seconds which the obvious joke here

would be to have like

blood pouring out of his mouth or show

his teeth broken

but they never do that there's never a

reveal there's no punch line to it it's

literally just

yeah that probably would have hurt and

we never see an aftermath of it

vicki henderson the 12 tells mark and

jay

or cavell and bergman that she does not

[ __ ]

but evie bennett fran drescher across

the table from her says that she does

back at the cabin cavell and bergman

are yelling at each other because they

both got turned down by the girl

and they played dueling records at each

other as like

revenge through a wall they're playing

dueling records

the logic behind it i don't understand

the layout of this place where

doors open up into other people's beds

yeah yeah like how do you even get

around

yeah that doesn't make any sense one of

the record players is just like this

aimless like

rock guitar solo and the other one is

like marching band music

like da da da da da da da da da da da da

da da

da and then eventually that bigger guy

from before comes in and just breaks all

the records because he's trying to go to

sleep

although we will hear both of those

records play later in the film over and

over and over

evie the fran drescher character

approaches cavella and bergman

separately for sex um not really sex

just sort of

grinding fully clothed yeah on the on

the shore of the lake

i think the emperor's very implying that

it goes all the way right but

they just keep showing us the same dumb

thing of them rolling around on dirt and

they're adding fly sound effects

mosquito sound effects like they're like

swatting at bugs it just sounds like

they're rolling around in

[ __ ] like that's what it sounds like

when you put flies in there

it's like is this literally a pile of

manure that they're [ __ ] in because

otherwise what is the point of this but

she does she just says the same thing to

both of them

like as she's finishing like like oh

yeah no i just wanted to have sex with a

legend and they're like oh was i a

legend oh you're a minor epic

and then she says the same thing to the

next guy like playing them off of each

other because she just

enjoys having sex but the two of them

both think like oh i tricked this girl

into having sex with me

yeah but they don't know that she had

sex with both of them yet but also i'm

still struggling at this point

to tell these two apart right and so the

fact that this scene just happened

identically twice i'm like did we just i

don't know where i'm at

i i thought that like it skipped yeah

and i was like

is this the same scene and i just i'm

watching it again is it oh no it's

slightly different

yeah but not enough different to have me

care

yeah cabell and bergman go into the room

where everyone's sleeping in the middle

of the night on the

on the top floor of the cabin and they

drop like a

barbell it barely makes a sound

but somehow everyone sits up like they

fired a gun

which would have been much funnier if

they just walked in and fired a gun

which they have yeah they have lots of

guns and the and

the dennis quaid character is with them

and we've established that he has

weapons galore like he should have just

thrown a bomb in the middle of the room

but instead they drop a fairly silent

piece of exercise equipment

they introduce what i think is supposed

to be the point of the movie i don't

know

if they say that there's a contest right

they never get

much more specific than that it's a

contest between the upstairs and the

downstairs waiters

right and they get a trophy if they win

yeah they're calling it a war

and the trophy is suppose is like it

looks like walrus it's the bust

of the guy that runs the camera which

they call walrus

yeah walman walrus and

but they never say what the contest is

they just say it's a war

right like what is winning what is yeah

because when you say the word war what i

think is that means like

physical combat and they say the rule is

there are no rules except for no

physical contact

it's like what are we doing is this like

tantric lovemaking contest what are i

don't understand what the contest is

they never get more specific

than it's a contest between us and them

it's like

are you trying to rack up more tips are

you trying to get

you know find more are you trying to

like hurt people like

they never explain what this contest is

for the whole rest of the movie

and we never see it we never see well we

see it but we don't know

who wins or why i never saw it

i don't know if you saw it i didn't see

it i watched this movie twice now and i

never saw the contest i don't know what

the contest was well

they were just doing crappy things to

each other but how do you win

that i don't know we don't know what the

rules are oh wait there are no rules

there's no rules

except for you can't there can be no

physical contact

there's no way to win because there are

no rules but the only competing that we

see them doing is just physically

fighting with each other

which is a violation of the only rule so

i don't know what the contest is

or how you determine a winner it's a

battle but there's no physical contact

so i have no idea what that means the

kids all get together and they watch

i was a teenage werewolf which is the

best footage in the whole film

it's the best shot sequence yeah it is

mostly because uh

walrus gets gets freaked out yeah

because

yeah he gets freaked out when the girl

is gonna get attacked by the werewolf

but but you're saying that the the the

movie within the movie is the best

footage

oh yeah that's the black and white

footage of the werewolf so convincing

cinematography that they didn't shoot

was the best

shot stuff there's some other good shots

later

oh yeah there's a really good shot later

grossman dresses like a werewolf and

wakes everybody up at night that's

hilarious

because he hired a makeup artist to come

and do a whole

werewolf makeup on him so he could look

like the character in the movie

when no one would even be able to see it

because the lights never come on yep

they would just

assume it's [ __ ] grossman howling for

no reason in the middle of the night

which he would probably be prone to do

right but he does it enough that he

scares kavel

into jumping out of a window and

breaking his leg so now

there's a very slight temporary and

uninteresting difference between cavell

and burton

one of them is on crutches for a couple

scenes

plays no part in any of those scenes

that he's on crutches now

i don't know if the actor hurt himself

on set and they wrote this scene to

explain it

grossman rides a [ __ ] horse around

the cabin

to rile up the troops of the downstairs

area for the

contest that's coming up that some kind

of a contest

that we still haven't gotten into and

won't suddenly

a kitchen olympics is happening and the

wino is drinking

four bottles of liquor it's the kind of

olympics where there's only one person

participating

and it's all sped up but i feel bad for

this pouring all over him

yeah he's well he's not drinking most of

it but

this guy you can tell just based on

continuity from his shirt

that he actually drank all four of these

bottles in a row

but they instead of showing him drink a

bottle

and then cutting away to a reaction shot

and letting him recover

to drink from the next bottle like they

they let it run on him drinking all four

bottles but then they cut in

all this reaction footage that it's like

it's no longer impressive that

he drank four bottles because you're

cutting away the whole time so

you could have been giving him time off

but he's clearly not getting time off

because he's

pouring more than half of each bottle

down his chest

and i don't even know what these bottles

are because they're all different

colors right but um but yeah that

happens for some reason

and uh then it's over they sneak into

the girl's cabin in one scene

and like threaten them yeah and

this is like one of the first like of

many raids they call it now i

i get like the the panty raid yeah of

the

you know but but that's a heist

situation you're sneaking in and you're

taking something yeah you're not

lightning

you're not threatening and like

physically trying to like also not

acceptable

but the point is that it's more

acceptable than what's going on here

but at least tony is just going in and

saying hey judy you want to leave with

me and she's like yeah let's go

and just make out somewhere the rest of

the guys

basically scare all these girls into

waking up in the middle of the night

they basically were just in there to

rape the 12.

again and one of the many attempted

rapes in this movie this is the first

attempted rape

in this comedy about attempted rape

maybe that's what it is it's a comedy

about attempted rape and the contest is

whoever can rape the most people

that's the hilarious contest between the

upstairs and downstairs

um but yeah so this is happening

uh walrus gets mad and finds them and

they're all we're gonna get back at that

guy for

finding us for breaking the rules by

going into the cabin of the girls

and threatening them it's like yeah i'm

on walrus's side

yeah yeah that's the problem and it's

not just because like i'm an

old man now like i feel like i still

like even at the time i would have been

like

no like that's a huge liability and you

should all be fired yeah and

he even says i invited you to back

against my better judgment it's just

like

like like i thought are they are they on

friendly terms

like like you know they wanted to come

back and he was he was considering it

and they talked him into it it's like

what is the relationship here but then

they clearly don't like him because then

they fill

his house up with farm animals yeah but

yeah that's the other thing is when

so when they wake up all the girls like

grossman is literally saying like i'm

going to murder all of you

yeah so everyone shut up and don't say

anything about what happened here

they laugh about it on their way out but

then yeah the next day

they get fined which is a pretty light

punishment for what they did right and

and we'll come to we'll come to

understand

how they get fined because he said the

girls

didn't tell them right so there there is

a

a semi plot reveal later of of how they

keep getting in trouble for all these

things

yeah it's the big twist ending yeah it's

marvelous

but um yeah they let a bunch of animals

into walruses room

in the night as their revenge on him why

is his wife there

they live on the camp i guess they do

but it just felt like this was trying to

be that scene in an animal house where

they put the

horse in his in the dean's office or

whatever

but it's not funny um there's also a lot

of like animal torture

yeah there's a scene where in the

kitchen i don't know which scene it is

but a guy

is like wrestling a chicken and he's

it's obviously an actual live chicken

and he is not treating

this chicken well yeah he's just yanking

it around by a wing

yeah that's that's basically the next

scene i put they put animals in his room

wino abuses a live chicken

those two story points are right in a

row hilarious

religious guy says let there be orgies

which is a callback to earlier when he

said let there be bosoms

it's not even a different joke but also

what is he referring to

there are no orgies in this film yeah

and also so he says let there be orgies

into the camera directly into the camera

and then he turns and runs away and

the hilarious reveal is that he's

completely naked yeah and then

a disembodied voice says who was that

masked man

but he wasn't wearing anything a they

should have pointed the camera at the

masked man so we could help that voice

find out who it was

but instead we're looking at bible louie

be weird

grossman tries to spy on the other team

and they keep blowing a trumpet at the

wall wherever he's listening to them

he's literally got like a stethoscope to

the wall yeah to listen to their plan

for the contest

what are they going to do for the

contest

they never explain what the contest is i

wanted it to be like flower arrangement

at the end

but no we never find out uh the wino

fights with himself

in like the corner of a room like he's

pretending to play cards against himself

yeah during the big poker game where

they invite lobster and

the steven first character i didn't even

want to take notes on the poker game

because i don't know why it's happening

yeah oh okay cutting back to poker being

played i

i stopped taking notes i i have

unfortunately committed much of the

movie to memory

and and as this is so angry that i've

memorized the movie yeah it's like you

made me pay money for this movie patrick

uh uh but uh this is

six dollars to rent on amazon prime by

the way don't do it

don't bother if you only get this far

into the podcast

i want you to know these are this is a

three down movie we

we wasted 12 whole dollars on this yeah

because

we rented it i'm gonna have to rent it

again because i kind of want to see it

again no

no no i got all the sound clips i need

before our 48 hour rental window ran out

we're done

we're done ever thinking about this

movie i hit stuff on this record

have we have we touched on the challenge

that evie

gives the guys that's it both the guys

have to sleep with one person

but she only has to sleep with one other

person well they have to pick who it is

yeah it started as they were saying we

could get any girl we wanted

because she says i could have any guy i

wanted and then it turns into

you i'll make you have sex with someone

who you don't want to have sex with

yeah so they're like okay well you have

to have sex with the rabbi

and the rabbi is like not that much

older than them decent looking

really kind of depressed yeah and then

she's like okay you guys have to have

sex with

with bertha the nurse big big nurse

bertha and they're like oh god i don't

know why we entered this contest and

it's like yeah i don't know why i rented

this movie like

yeah we're both very disappointed right

i guess we better drug her and rape her

yeah i know so yeah

first first though we get the francine

so she goes the francine

she flirts with the rabbi and uh and

it seems like she's making some romantic

progress the guys break into nurse

bertha's room and put a bunch of drugs

in the water next to her nightstand

and then when she drinks it they just

climb on top of her and try to [ __ ] her

in her sleep yep which is the second

and third attempted rape in this movie

yeah but i i was like

and their their plan is you start at the

top i'll start at the bottom we'll meet

in the middle

what does that mean our meats are gonna

touch in the middle

it's very very gross and weird and what

if

he's starting at the top he's going to

rape her in the face like

it's not even weird enough that this is

happening that they're just climbing all

over this woman in this bed

but there's two other guys at the window

just watching it

yeah just rape watching and then she

wakes up and first she resists and then

i guess she's kind of into it

but then they're all fighting instead of

yeah instead of having sex

the guys go to meet with irvington who

is this like

preppy coach guy that they have at their

restaurant all the time that they're

that they're waiters for

and uh he keeps telling them that

they're gonna have some game they're

gonna play against each other and he

wants to turn the whole camp into

like an athletic camp he's gonna get

them jobs there basically

so he's telling them updates about how

his uh conversations with walrus have

gone and how he's gonna he's

right on the edge of convincing him to

turn this whole camp into an athletic

camp

this is not an interesting subplot or

anything it doesn't pay off at all

well it's sort of it's sort of it's i

wouldn't call it a payoff but

it's it's there's a reveal but that we

have no vested interest in this becoming

an athletic camp

we don't even like the two characters

who we're supposed to identify with

we hate them actually they are

attempted rapists and probably

successful rapists prior to this summer

yeah as opposed to fran drescher who's

she didn't rape anybody everybody

she was it was all consenting he was

fully willing

yeah their their pickup line is plunk

that's their pickup line

their first move is to drug the girl

every time

and uh it's obnoxious and it's bad

writing also

that's the really offensive bad writing

but sharp finds them at the bar sharp as

like their boss

uh of the cabin and he's like okay well

it's after curfew and you guys are

drinking here at a bar

uh this is not okay so everybody has to

go home

walrus finds out that they were at the

bar and hits them with a second harsher

fine

and they're like oh well that means we

just have to piss him off even more

and guess what's coming up parents day

so the parents show up

judy's parents get out of the car to

talk to roseanne arquette

apparently they already know about her

new puerto rican boyfriend yeah she's

already talked to them about it and

she's like oh

she's really great i think you'll like

him and her mom just says darling he's a

veritable monkey

and he's a poor monkey at that yeah just

immediately like first thing out of her

mouth when she gets out of the car

and he's standing right there yeah and

so he walks up and he like leans into

his accent because he's trying to piss

off her parents and he's like oh yeah

the way she talks about you i thought

you were going to be a big fat

mess but you're very pretty and uh and

throwing her under the bus in this

situation yeah he should have said i

pictured you to be this big fat but also

like why would you picture her that way

unless you're throwing her under the bus

anyway

he should have just walked him they're

like you're ugly

but uh he doesn't do that um the parents

all sit down to a film

and uh what a wonderful film yes uh it

turns out that

the second best piece of footage yeah

captured into the second best footage

here uh

i don't know what this is from that

because imdb actually listed

the i was a teenage werewolf i want that

film title yeah i need to know what this

movie is because

there's so many strings that they leave

for research

i need to i can't just uh i can't sit on

this cliffhanger

but uh but yeah it's porn

the joke is great because you see it

coming a mile away

and they don't turn it off that's how

long the stick

is no but i like it's like oh this is

the wrong film

this is the wrong films it's like then

turn it off yeah instead of

instead of getting in the way or like

unplugging the machine you're like this

isn't what we normally watch

anyway you know what if i joke if the

rabbi would have stepped in front of the

the projector to try to block it but

then the boobs would have been on his

shirt

oh my god that would have been great a

joke oh man this movie could have been

this movie could have had one joke in it

all right are we

[ __ ] pitching a remake of gore no no

we're not

it's not happening the kitchen staff

drugs everyone

they give speed to everyone yeah they

intended to only give it to some people

but they accidentally gave it to

other people i don't care i don't care

who they give the drugs to

everyone that's been acting like they

were on speed the whole time already so

it changes nothing that everyone's on

drugs now like i feel so sorry for the

actors where

when the director was like okay do what

you've been doing before but pretend

you're on speed now

it's like are you kidding i almost had a

heart attack just

acting like i was just standing there

meeting a person now i have to act

even crazier it's not interesting and a

food fight

breaks out yeah and they just throw food

and once again

milk in the hair ugh just like little

darlings it's like no

no not in the hair i don't like this

richard had a traumatic milk hair

experience when he was a kid

i like milk but i that like milk

on my personal yeah that sounds weird

don't get milk on my person

grossman rallies the troops again he

tells them that the other guys

are planning to break all the rules even

though

there are no rules then we get another

pointless poker scene

suddenly we're in the cabin at night and

all the guys are masturbating

at the same time isn't that funny one

guy starts masturbating and then another

guy notices he's masturbating and that

makes him hot thinking about his friend

masturbation

so he starts masturbating that's how

guys work if i'm at the office and i see

somebody yawn

but if i see someone jerking off i can't

help it

just gotta go out but uh this is a

different kind of masturbation

it's not the typical you look like

you're having a seizure and a locker

masturbating

this is some weird like humping

masturbating like you're humping your

hand or something i don't get it

what i do is i shake in a locker

well but what's one of them is uh the

the

the you know quaint characters like

humping his bomb

in his bed yeah probably that sounds

like something they would tell him to do

at the last second before they started

recording

um every single joke in this movie feels

like they wrote it

in the moment like i wouldn't i wouldn't

be surprised

to learn that this entire film was like

a long-form improv

that is a disservice to improv do not

say that

that's what it felt like it just felt

like every single joke was being made up

on the spot because none of them pay off

and there's it doesn't go anywhere

that's the difference is that long form

comedy

long form improv pays off there's like

long running punch lines

but uh nothing here is funny the guys

find grossman with a truck full of

munitions

and he gets real like dylan claybold

here

yeah he's like i'm telling you boys this

is gonna be a very

memorable war there's gonna be blood on

the buildings

and he's just like straight up like i'm

gonna murder

all the other people in our cabin uh

that's what the contest is it's a

literal war

the guys go to meet with irvington again

and find out that he

not sharp has been reporting them so

every time walrus got mad it wasn't

because sharp who we don't care about

is barely in the movie i think i think i

remember him one time yeah

uh but this other character who we don't

care about has been reported this is

mind-blowing to them but they forgive

him

instantly but it's what gets him into

walruses good

graces in order to change the camp over

to an athletics camp

right which is apparently actually

happening but the scene where he

he tells them this is so weird where

he's jumping up on the bed

yeah like the scene starts with him he's

already like standing up on the top of a

couch

and he's holding a big bottle of wine he

says yeah he's gotta make it an athletic

camp

and they're like okay that's good he's

like yeah it's gotta be great like the

whole

scene he's screaming like every scene is

screaming

every scene this is the worst of it

though this is like the most obnoxious

like

the most i don't understand why they're

all shouting like this

and they're pretending to be very

excited like i feel like they must have

done this scene 100 times before they

got to this take

because it felt like no no more energy

more energy the scene is really boring

unless you're screaming

but he just keeps screaming about it and

then they they kind of decide the guys

decide

okay well this guy's the one who told on

us he's he's the reason we got fined

and it's like well no walrus is still

the reason you got fine because he's the

one who fined you

and even further back you're the reason

you got fined because you broke the

rules constantly and you cost the camp

money

but instead they decide that they're

going to take out their revenge on

irvington

so as revenge they rig this massive

track that no one can see

until it goes off yeah they hook him in

the middle of the restaurant while

they're serving people

and it lifts him off of the bench above

everyone eating their food

swings him across the room toward a

banner with a painting of a butt on it

and then confetti shoots everywhere and

he seems very upset about it

but i'm sure that after this shot they

would have just

let him down yeah and that would have

been their revenge

i guess i guess we lifted you for a

second take that

you find us hundreds of dollars our

entire paychecks for the whole summer

but we lifted you for a second and there

was a painting of a butt and everything

isn't that much more embarrassing than

what you did to us

no it's not it's dumb nerd and fat

use neighboring toilets

[Music]

fat doesn't know how to use toilet paper

that's the joke here i think yeah cause

the toilet paper just keeps coming out

he he pulls the toilet paper roll and he

just keeps pulling it off

and acting panicked like he doesn't know

how to control his arms

i don't know what the joke is here well

the toilet paper is just shooting out

like he's not even touching it off of

the roll no he's not like i mean it's

it's shooting out even when he's not

touching it

i think that's because he yanked on it

yeah i think that's what

they're implying is what he did and and

but like they did they definitely have

some sort of effect happening here when

there's like a blower behind it like

shooting the paper out or something but

he seems really panicked like he's gonna

get in trouble for wasting a roll of

toilet paper

in this room where people are setting

off bombs and stuff and nobody i think

somebody had a really great idea to

stick a leaf blower behind this thing

and create some sort of effect and they

didn't know how to use it so they just

stuck a guy in a stall they were like is

this funny

no great put it in the film yeah the

guys try to rape number 12 again

yep this time they actually get their

pants off yeah

and uh the lights come on and they just

skip out with stuffed animals over their

dicks

nerd and fat go back to the bar looking

for hookers

they've decided they're going to hire a

hooker because their friends are so

horny

and uh they keep failing at rape so

they're like what have we paid someone

for you to rape

um like consensual rape what's it called

again sex

so they go to the bar and they go to

just the first girl they see and they

say hey are you a hooker

and her date turns around is like what

what did you just say

and then to punish these two guys for

calling his girlfriend a hooker they get

them drunk

give them a bunch of free drinks and

then send them out of the bar

in their underwear where they find a

hooker yeah they crash headlong into a

hooker standing on the corner

and they're like hey are you a hooker

you should come back with us and she's

like okay great

so they're driving the truck full of

bombs back to the camp and they crash it

and it explodes um all the fireworks in

the back are going off and this

indicates to everyone in the cabin that

the war

is on that the contest has officially

begun

they rush to fight each other

because they barricade themselves in

first

right but the it seems to be the point

is that they're

gonna fight each other right but the the

only rule of this contest was no

physical contact so i don't know what

the contest was supposed to be if it

wasn't physical contact

but they go to fight each other but

right as the two teams are

clashing the girls rush in

because they've decided they're going to

interrupt the fight and get revenge for

the constant attempted rape perpetuated

by two characters from this movie

the toy bomb that dennis quaid has been

[ __ ] this whole time shorts out and

he's like oh it doesn't work

it was just a dumb prop and there's no

punch line to it it never goes off

and then he decides you know what this

means war

i'm gonna go get something we have this

really weird line

from steinberg who runs to go hide in

his bathroom stall

and this is what i was talking about

where we're dubbing over him now

and there's explosions going off all

around him and something whizzes past

in front of him and then he goes

and then he goes back into his bathroom

stall

fran and the big guy get into an

argument downstairs

he puts her into a locker and then he

throws the locker out the window

masturbation locker the masturbation

and then when she gets thrown out the

window in the locker she says

yeah that made no sense she's just like

oh that's great though it's funny

because the director understands how

women work

is that they get they i read somewhere

that they get periods

only only when you pretend moments like

yeah thrown out of a window in a locker

in a masturbation locker yeah that'll

definitely bring it on

uh grossman comes back in a tank and he

drives it

through a wall into the building and

almost kills an

extra in this scene yes it's very

clearly because it's a fake tank it

really comes through that wall

crazy yeah it's a slow motion shot

and it's clearly a real a full-size real

tank

and i found this on imdb i have no way

to prove that it's real

but i think that this would be a lot of

work to make up a factoid for this

obscure of a movie

this is from one of the reviews of gorp

on imdb

i owned and drove the m5 stuart tank

in the movie gorp actually written in

all capital letters

there were lots of interesting stories

that i recall from the filming

but the one that stands out in my mind

was when i drove through the house

a prop built for the movie we were to

receive a radio message as when to stop

but it never came i could see nothing

out the vision port

and finally decided to slap on the

brakes and stop

had i continued one more foot i would

have crushed one of the stunt people

that was to have jumped out the windows

but didn't so all these characters were

supposed to pile out of the windows

they didn't and the tank almost crushed

this woman because of it oh my god

um he says amazingly the big concern

was that i came within inches of one of

their very expensive panovision cameras

the movie people said they could always

get another stunt girl but cameras were

expensive

all in all i was treated great by the

movie people and i left with many good

stories

several best left untold wow

so that's pretty incredible by the way

that guy down this guy worked on the

movie

and uh thinks he was treated well by the

movie people and gave it a 5 out of 10

star review

so yeah that's uh the tank goes through

the wall

basically they just all go to walruses

cabin and say hey guess what we quit

yeah and they moon him from and flash

and flash though yeah one girl is

flashing him as punishment

and and then while another guy is

sucking on one of her breasts

right so one of her boobs is covered i

rewound it and made sure

several times yeah no i literally did

because in this whole movie there's only

one pair of

boobs and it's in the porn that they're

watching because when this girl is

flashing

her shirt is covering one boob and this

guy's sucking on the other boob

so there's literally no original boob

footage in this whole movie

yeah they're i think the the one the

pin-up there's some pin-ups well when he

he licks the piece of paper on the wall

that's not original that existed before

this that was published before this film

came out

yeah i'm talking oc tits there's nothing

in this movie

like if you're gonna make this movie and

it's gonna be this bad

you have to at least put four pairs of

boobs in it

it has to at least have four pairs of

boobs to weren't ever being rented by

anyone

but there's no excuse to rent this movie

so you need

three or more boobs three or more boobs

i thought we were talking pairs you're

just talking individual individual

that's that's his adjustments to what i

was thinking that's why total recall

is automatic yeah yeah it's a good

rental solid rental option

uh they all moon wall man uh and then

fetterman walks him back to the house

and sees that it's destroyed yeah he

says i can't tell you you have to see it

right here it also doesn't matter

because everyone already left so the

camp is destroyed

like i can't serve anyone any food i

have to cancel this summer and

everyone's leaving

uh i can't remember why but i had turned

subtitles on i think for a couple of

scenes to

to make sure i could understand exactly

what people were saying helpful for sure

um when when uh

huddleston sees the broken cabin it just

says in

in uh brackets building screaming

and i was like i was like building

screaming oh he's building

the screen it's like uh like but i was

like

like the person like i'm writing these

subtitles but

don't tell anybody i'm deaf is this

building screaming because it looks like

its mouth is open yeah

i'm just gonna put building screen um

this movie sucks

director joseph rubin also directed

dreamscape the good sun and money train

what some of those are good movies

dreamscape also with dennis quaid yeah

uh writer jeffrey konvitz

um this was his third and last

screenplay after

silent night bloody night and the

sentinel

he has produced in a lot of different

genres including a pair of lesser leslie

nielsen parodies

spyhard and 2001 a space travesty both

of which are

not worthy of renting either the other

writer

uh a martin zyback this was his second

to last

writing credit before grace quigley

cavell one of the two

conjoined lead actors is played by

michael lembeck

who directed the second and third santa

claus movies

also a crapload of television 24

episodes of friends a bunch of other

nbc primetime sitcoms dennis quaid was

mad

bobby grossman uh you know him from day

after tomorrow

he's also in frequency inner space um

and he's the brother of randy

from foxes and both will be back for a

long time the right stuff

and

even though he was probably really drunk

it seems i don't know pandora pandora no

oh it's good

okay him and ben foster i like ben

foster

particularly in flash forward uh i

wonder if that's on disney plus i bet it

is

yeah i have to look that up philip

kastnoff played bergman

uh he played sinatra in a 92 mini-series

called sinatra

he also played nikolai stanislavski

on oz and he still works pretty

regularly

for some reason uh fran drescher was

evie she was obviously the nanny

right that was a big thing she was

eunice in hotel transylvania the

yeah the wife of the frankenstein

character she was really cute in this

movie

she i've always liked friend dresser

yeah i mean she she's

known for playing this obnoxious

character and kind of over the top

look but like in this movie she was just

adorable i honestly feel like she's just

like the female gilbert godfrey like

people just use her as a voice joke but

she's a very funny person like like if

you were gonna make jessica jones in the

early 80s

fred drescher would probably have been

oh yeah she'd be great

um she was also a beautician in the

beast with timothy dalton

i liked her she she a very small part in

dr detroit with dan aykroyd

oh okay i don't know that one um it's

not like

it's a little bit like a night shift in

that

uh a guy ends up being the pimp for all

these ladies in the evening and has to

cover there was a lot of

pimp comedies in the 80s

but yeah she is one of the one of the

ladies um david huddleston was walrus

wallman obviously he's the

titular big lebowski he was also olson

johnson in blazing saddles we had lou

wagner as fetterman

he played savannah shorty in baltimore

bullet he was on raising hope with me

he was lucious in the original plan of

the apes uh busboy

and conquest of the planet of the apes

and skyler schultz in

airport uh julius harris was fred the

chef

he plays t he and live and let die yeah

i i don't he the character's called t

because he's literally going

like laughing the whole time uh but he

gets uh unceremoniously killed very

quickly

by the roger moore character that was

roger moore's first uh bond movie uh he

played uh

boan or bone in the 76 king kong

he was grave digger and dark man and he

played inspector daniels in the original

pelham one two three deborah richter was

barbara um i don't remember which

character was barbara one of the girls

uh she was also candy in midnight

madness that was one of leon's two

henchmen ladies that were like helping

him hand out all the equipment for

the beginning of the contest speaking of

eddie diesen and

stephen first um rosanna arquette was

judy

she was jody and pulp fiction uh

roberta glass in desperately seeking

susan marcy and after hours and my

favorite role from her was wendy balsam

in buffalo 66

where she's like the high school crush

of the main character and so he gives

christina richie that name

and then they actually see her at a

diner later that night she's like oh

that's crazy that's my name like

doesn't know that she's literally named

after that person

uh dale robinette was irvington he is

a stills photographer and he works

pretty regularly he has like eight huge

movies every year but some of the bigger

ones lala land the avengers daddy darko

so

um he's all over the place otis day was

sweet mo uh we said before he changed

his name

to the character he played in animal

house and we just had him six days ago

in our previous film

where the buffalo roam so he was

credited here as dwayne jesse

correct in both movies yeah but his name

is now otis day on imdb

uh peter mark jacobson played steinberg

he was fran drescher's husband at the

time

and he was a writer on the nanny he was

also a writer on happily divorced

a show that fran started hosting 14

years after they divorced

john riley played don sharp uh not a lot

of credits i recognize but he's the

voice of hawkeye and clint barton

who are obviously the same character on

the iron man animated series in the 90s

yeah um did you mention robert trevor

i couldn't remember it nope oh he played

the rabbi

oh okay i know him mostly from uh

reoccurring characters on hercules and

xena oh okay from the

the the 90s he played salmonias uh so i

was always excited when i saw him he's

also in a

really bizarre movie with uh roy

scheider called 52 pickup

uh and he was in hail caesar pretty

recently oh okay uh

he was the producer of the movie oh i

think i did see that credit yeah

um he he's he's a pretty funny

interesting guy because he's got a

his voice is very much that voice yeah

um

but uh yeah hercules and xena was my big

go-to

um jess up or down

big down as down as it can go richard

that's a

way down there down in the boiler room

down below six feet under the ground

below

yeah this is a down down for me richard

why don't you kick off

oh this is well below the windows

threshold um

oh god i'm struggling of how far down to

put it

because it's down there um it might

be my third worst

so it comes just before cereal

uh and uh after privatize is that above

cereal or below cereal so it's above

cereal

above cereal okay and below privatized

correct

so this is second from last for me i

think

okay about nothing personal above

nothing personal

same here yeah yeah it's rough man

which i just want to point this out this

was the nail in the coffin for american

international pictures

of my bottom four movies three of them

are american international films

which is crazy because the fourth film

uh that we've covered so far of the four

is mad max which is in fifth place

so i have one at the very top and three

in my bottom four with defiance nothing

personal

and gorp which are all garbage movies

that they clearly didn't care when they

were making um

but baltimore bullets also in my bottom

four so that doesn't speak a lot for uh

for the actor who played savannah shorty

in baltimore bullet and fetterman here

because he's in two of my bottom three

movies but they're bad they're bad

movies

and they deserve to feel bad for being

bad

i think that's everything for this one

if you have any thoughts you'd like to

share we are vintagevideopod on twitter

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vintage video podcast on that note i'd

like to give a special shout out to

mike lam for his recent itunes review

thanks for listening mike we appreciate

your comments

because this is our first episode of the

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western starring clint eastwood and

shirley maclean

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the star-studded black comedy adaptation

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thanks again and i hope you'll join us

next time when we'll be discussing

friday the 13th which according to imdb

is about a group of camp counselors

stalked and murdered by an unknown

assailant

while trying to reopen a summer camp

where years before

it was the site of a child's drowning

and a grisly double murder

we leave you now with the trailer for

friday the 13th

[Music]

[Music]

hello what is that

oh hi doing out in this mess

[Music]

three

[Music]

we weren't doing anything we were just

messing up

[Music]

three six

seven

can i help you

[Music]

eight

nine

ten

[Music]

eleven

[Music]

12 friday

the 13th you may

only see it once

but that will be enough

[Music]

friday the 13th

you