we're on a mission from god

wendy so i got that going darling

looks like i picked the wrong way to

quit sniffing blue light

of my life we enjoy your films

i thought they smelled bad on the

outside

welcome to vintage video where we're

re-watching the 80s so you don't have to

we'll be reviewing every major film

release of the 1980s in real time

i'm patrick o'reilly i'm jesse bayless

and i'm richard wells and today marks

the 40th anniversary of the release of

the mountain man

on june 1st 1980. it was written by

fraser clark heston

no relation just getting his chilton's

son directed by richard lange and

released by columbia pictures

frasier clark heston the son of actor

charlton heston

began working on the screenplay after

living among alaskan eskimos and native

americans

yeah i believe that the proper trim is

inuit

so i assume he was just in this as a

favor to his son

or was his son an accomplished filmmaker

prior to this not super accomplished no

okay

the working title was wind river which

was later used for a jeremy renner film

in 2017. it's very good yeah

has a hawkeye and uh scarlet witch in it

it's also about native americans what

does that say does it have any story

points in

in line with this it's basically the

same story but it takes place in present

day it's

totally different it's a murder mystery

thing it's very good

it is and uh the film was also briefly

called last of the mountain men which i

actually think would be better

than the mountain men because it plays

into the whole

summary of the film heston later said

that the film you saw was not what we

conceived or shot

that's what he said who we shot a

totally different film i don't know what

happened i don't know what happened it

was it was a

sci-fi movie it took place largely on a

moon

uh no he said uh we compromised my

sunscript was much darker

and it emphasized the sort of autumnal

recognition that they earned as trappers

i confess that i miss that aspect

bitterly

my son found it difficult to swallow he

poured everything into the script and

resented the changes but all artists

compromise

every one of my films could have been

better every one of them my son learned

that the people who put up the money

control the film

when we saw the final cut he was

heartbroken i could have walked out

i could have put everything on the line

but i don't like to do that

it was the director's first feature and

i don't like to throw my weight around

but maybe i should have maybe i made a

mistake

so what is he saying changed about it

i assume they find the valley well we're

getting ahead of ourselves i shouldn't

spoil anything

well if it's darker i would guess not

but we start the film with a very silent

columbia logo that made me think that i

was doing something wrong

and then an eagle is soaring over some

snowy mountains

bill as played by charlton heston is

wading through a river with a gun

when someone fires on him uh or later i

guess someone fires on him

no right here in the river oh yeah he's

checking traps and then he gets

descended upon while under fire assuming

it's

um either uh local indians local indians

are

someone out to kill them he seems pretty

convinced that there are

crow nearby the the tr the tribe crow

nearby crow indians right and so um

a shot is fired over his head and he

starts to run away and

is very quickly engaged in a chase the

chaser catches up with him and they

crash

they their horses all do flips oh my god

they crash into the river

it's horrifying the horse stunts in this

movie

are just hard to watch because these

i i would not be surprised if several

horses died in the making of this film

if they killed horses on the set of luck

that show about just racing horses at

santa anita

then there's no way they didn't kill

five horses in this yeah there's at

least like

three full horse somersaults

that could that could easily have ended

in broken legs and necks and stuff

and uh they originally had is it the

aspca that

animal yeah protection people um had

issued like a statement like oh this

this movie did a really good job and all

the animals were cared for and taken

this movie yes but then they saw the

final cut of the movie

because the cut that they were shown

previously didn't have any of the

somersaulting horses okay that's not

happening

and so they were attracted i was gonna

say that is not how you clear a film you

clear film by being on set because of

course they were on set

yeah but they weren't on set when that

stuff was happening i guess

because you you should be on set

whenever an animal is being used because

otherwise they're

of course they're going to show you the

footage where the horse dies right

and also apparently it's impossible to

get a horse to do that unless there's a

trip line

involved so that's literally how they're

getting these horses to go

purpose yes oh that makes it so much

worse

it's like the long riders where you can

only get them to go through a window at

once yeah

you can train them to jump through the

same shaped rectangle over and over

again but they'll only go through the

window in that shape one time

that makes me really angry because i was

like okay

well it was an accident but you know you

at least

you got to use the footage and it's

terrible that it happened you should be

more careful next time but they did it

on purpose

right they're monsters now here let's

make it even one step worse

okay you're not doing it to raise a

bunch of money you're just doing it to

prank your friend

that's what the guy in this movie was

doing yeah well

like it's literally just he's crashing

these horses full speed end over end

into this river

as a joke on his friend because he's

like hi you thought you were going to

die

and i killed a bunch of our horses and

that's what he says when he gets up

damn fool you could have killed my horse

and he probably did and there's one

that's like laying on the ground

probably dead in the background of this

shot anyway yeah or if they weren't dead

you had to

you had to euthanize them afterwards but

this is frapp

frappy frapp man and uh his name is

frapp

and james frapp henry henry fat uh henry

frapp

was playing a prank on his good buddy

bill and uh

killing horses as a as a goof

he asks how he's doing bill tells him

that there's some crow

india nearby and frapp says they are

black foot but you were close

and they argue about that for a while

because they both think they're experts

but they ultimately both end up being

right right yeah that's a spoiler

yeah spoiler alert hold on hold on

richard we haven't gotten there yet

it's a very important spoiler i know but

it affects the trajectory of the whole

film

i it's important to note though because

their argument is

they'll notice they're both getting to

it right now they're just arguing

so i just want to ask are we going to

spend this entire podcast saying

indian instead of native americans yes

we are because that was the proper

terminology in the

early 1800s so we're just sticking

to the the date in which the film was

supposed to take place

we we've said indian and native american

i guess we should pick one i i don't

mean

i'm going to say indian because that's

what they keep saying in the movie

well they say engine yeah okay you want

to be accurate

they all they also refer to themselves

as as n-words

several times yeah the the engines do

no the frap frank refers to himself as

an n-word

i had to rewind it and put on subtitles

i was like wait

he just wow what i don't know maybe it

meant something different well you know

how like uh

irish people weren't considered white

until like

the early 1900s i think the easiest way

to do this is just to refer

to them as their tribe name the crow or

the black feet yeah

is black feet the plural black foot i

don't know black foots

black foots i don't know we're gonna

we're gonna

no they are black foot there's no or are

they black feet no the

the plural of black foot is black foot

black foot god damn it

bill asks henry frapp what the

beaver skins are going for and

apparently they're five bucks everywhere

um he hasn't uh checked in with society

lately

he's been out in the wilderness just

collecting for the last couple years

he hasn't made it out to the rendezvous

which is like a gathering of

tradesmen well i have to say uh my

experience with red dead redemption 2

beaver furs that's a pretty five dollars

is a pretty high price

is it so that takes place even later

than maybe

uh red dead two does yeah yeah because

he only ends up getting quoted about

three when they get to the rendezvous

but

spoiler alert if uh there's this one

line from henry here

henry's sitting on the log next to him

and uh

and he says that they need to hit up the

rendezvous soon because he says i don't

get some whiskey soon i'm gonna die

he just like shouts it like a weirdo i

hope that was like

the like his choice yeah i really want

everyone on set to have been like what

the [ __ ] was that

because like the director like they kept

going brian you need to do it again

but yeah you need to have like a little

bit more intensity to it you're not

doing it right

we need to believe that you need whiskey

you got to make us believe that you need

the whiskey

i feel like this is the kevin sorbo

disappointed

disappointed

which the rumor for that is that he

literally was reading like the

parenthetical

yeah like he was reading the line and he

was supposed to just be

disappointed but he just said

disappointed

that's so great i'm sure that's not true

but i love that legend

they disagree again about which indians

are nearby bill asks for

some backy he wants a tongue full of

baki

uh presumably that's code for tobacco

once uh once he gets it from frappe he

punches him out and knocks him into the

river

they head back to their horses the

surviving horses

where we are introduced to nat wyeth or

nat

wyatt and nathan wyatt yeah yeah uh but

they sometimes call him nat here

nathan wyatt he's an ice merchant based

on a real person

i forget the guy's name but it's pretty

close to nathan wyatt

it's frigidaire frigidaire that's his

name

um and uh i think they call him kristoff

right yeah that's right and this was

later adapted into a musical

um but uh he's a nice merchant and uh

he's very nice

he's a really nice guy no

he's a friend of fraps they've been

traveling together for a while and he

says he's gonna set up trade

and farming in oregon he predicts that

the oregon trail will happen he's just

like yeah i bet that there's going to be

a trail

that leads from st louis missouri to

oregon

i'll bet you a dollar i thought for sure

that

the joke was gonna be he was gonna be

going with his wagon train of the donner

party

right i thought i thought for sure that

they were gonna imagine he was traveling

with the donners

that'd be great but no he he just keeps

saying oh man oregon's gonna be so great

i'm gonna set up all this cool stuff and

build a hotel

up on the mountain right and this is

it's gonna be wonderful

and uh at the same time um bill is

basically

arguing over the top of him with

protestations that oregon sucks

you can't grow anything there because it

sucks and it's a suck bill

um they reach the rendezvous point and

in place of the people that should be

there there's a note

inviting them closer to society where

they have white women now

so that night they hear sounds near the

camp

rendezvous point now featuring white

women yes

hey where are the white women at um what

they're like so in disbelief for this

they're like

there aren't even women on this side of

the continental divide that night they

hear sounds

near the camp and uh they argue over

what this

the cause of the sound is but eventually

decide that

it's either the blackfoot tribe or the

crow

nearby and that they're stealing their

horses

but in the morning when we fade up bill

is already coming back with the horses

because he has already successfully

stolen them all back

right um seems to be a game they play

back and forth

and uh then cross otter and and

a couple other people from the crow

tribe come up to the

lake across from them and they send

hand signals back and forth to

communicate crossotter wants the horses

back

they argue back and forth about who

stole them first from the other person

and then eventually crossotter says that

he just wants to come over and smoke a

pipe

and have peace and that they'll leave so

they start to

come across the lake and they're still

arguing about who the horses started

with when

uh one of uh crossotter's fellow crow

tribesmen

uh gets hit with an arrow right through

the neck yeah

there's this hilarious scene played for

a slapsticky comedy of

uh the blackfoot tribe and the crow

tribe firing at each other

and these these mountain men caught in

the middle

and they're all like jokey about it and

one of the blackfoot guys

like moons them from across the river

and says i crap on the grave of your

fathers and then they shoot him

and then they laugh hysterically at his

body falling over after they shot him

to kill him right like these people are

being killed yeah there's

death happening all around them but

they're all laughing about it and making

fun of each other

why wyatt's just standing there watching

it until

he gets an arrow in the heart all right

just took an arrow

i can see that it looks like and he's

just like

i have taken an arrow in the chest and

that's

and i took an arrow in the knee then i

took an arrow to the chest

bill just yanks it out of his chest and

he points out like oh look it's not even

in that deep you're fine

and he's like oh yeah you're right and

then he passes out and just falls over

backup rolls in we have a bunch more

crow show up to save the day

oh wyatt does get a one good shot off

with the

oh yeah with the double barrel it gives

them both barrels yeah and there's also

um

the bill takes one shot at because one

of the blackfoot indians gets

so close that he's like already

attacking wyatt

and then bill fires his ramrod

through the indian because he was like

still reloading his gun

and uh he fires the ramrod and it just

pierces through the guy's back and he

pulls him off

um apparently i'm gonna keep saying

indian because it's too hard to avoid

saying it in this movie

bill brings one of the the blackfoot

women that they left behind

but it turns out that she's not actually

black foot she was taken by their tribe

but wyatt stands next to her and

pronounces her dead right before she

kicks him in the face

and gets up to run away but bill stops

her because she's actually running

toward the blackfoot

uh tribe that she's trying to get away

from that yeah

and uh and he's like if you're gonna

have the common sense to run at least do

it away from the people that are trying

to capture you

and he points her in the opposite

direction but she just sits down because

she realizes

oh these people aren't trying to hurt me

so maybe i'll just hang out here for a

second

well she's she's damned does she do

damned if she don't

right like if she goes back to the

blackfoot she's gonna be back with the

guy that's beating her if she goes to

the crow

they'll kill her uh so she's got no

choice but just to stay with these guys

you don't seem to now why would the crow

kill her

because she was coming with the black

people yeah she did they just killed a

whole bunch of blackfoot

yeah but but she was wasn't she like

kidnapped and stolen over there like

she's

but she was fighting with them she was a

she was part of their group that

that staged that attack just now so yes

i don't know i don't i feel like i mean

she's not

healthy but she's not one of the crow

so but she was a crow was she i don't

know

i think she was she was a different

tribe that oh was she yeah that her

tribe is dead

she's she's the last of her tribe okay

never mind i thought she was a crow

so far in 1980 this is our third last of

last of their tribe native american

characters

after uh nothing personal and uh

uh johnny eagle from uh

humanoids from the deep um well he had

other people

i thought we decided that he was suing

for the rights to

continue fishing even though there was

no other native americans in the whole

city

but they had like a contract for the

specific bay so

she sits down around the fire with them

and

kind of tells her story yeah we have a

scene with heavy eagle talking to his

elders

right heavy eagle was her husband and uh

he goes to meet with his like chief

right

well i they just say elder i'm i mean

whether he's the chief or not

um it seems like heavy eagle is calling

the shots yeah

um but he sits down with him and he says

that he's gonna

keep going after these guys until he

gets his wife back because

he he plans on killing these guys yeah

even though the the elder

is like you don't even care about her

you treat her you know

what can we say what do you say he well

he says how you treat her like

he doesn't treat her very well like he

um i i reference game of thrones

with how khaleesi was at first with the

dothraki

before she became into power yeah i

think he says coyote [ __ ]

yeah yeah i didn't want to say it i

wanted to desperately so

we cut back to the campfire where she's

telling them that she was sold to the

blackfoot tribe

and is a wife slave to one of their

warriors that's heavy eagle

she learned english at fort mckenzie and

she says she does not want to go back to

heavy eagle

she climbs under the blanket with bill

uh and

she says that her name is running moon

and he tells her his name

we see heavy eagle like standing next to

a lake and he picks up a rock and just

slices his chest open

yep not sure why maybe he's just itchy

what he's got overzealous oh that's

better anymore running moon wakes up the

next morning and they're all gone

they just left her in a blanket is that

a thing that can happen i feel like this

is like a trope

where you have an entire campsite that

you have to pack up

in complete silence to keep from someone

waking up

yeah i would definitely have done this

you have to walk all the animals really

quietly away

yeah you don't start them until you're

like 200 feet away

you just put all the horses

[Laughter]

put it in neutral

anyway because hey dude

[Music]

there you go frapp and bill race into

town in search of whiskey

they're just screaming and running their

horses full speed into the tents

oh my god at the rendezvous it's amazing

when he first runs into the tent you you

see he like

smacks the whiskey sign and breaks it in

half and falls down

he's just like

[Applause]

shouting it as he comes but like he's

not the only crazy person like the

entire

camp is going bonkers it's like burning

man yeah

and uh when he gets in because there's

like a makeshift tent that is

serving the purpose of this bar but he

just rides his horse completely into it

and completely knocks the tent over but

no one's upset

yeah like they're all just like laughing

about it even the bartender doesn't care

i don't even like it's there's so much

chaos happening here i'm like how is

anybody actually conducting any real

business in this camp which is the whole

point of this there's like just people

having sex

like in all over all over the place and

well

they just got that product in so um

bill tries to sell some beaver pelt and

the guy offers them three bucks

is this font now yeah uh this soft

baby head guy offers him three bucks

and he doesn't go for it he's like i'm

gonna hold on to it until it's worth

less i got a good feeling

about this in my soft spot right here

yeah yeah

and uh it's because uh silk is the new

thing right

silk is soft as a baby skull

and uh the guys don't actually know what

silk is

oh what about one of them because it

comes from worms it's made out of worms

you just grind them up and paint them

and you get yourself a silk hat

the guy is taking more for buffalo and

silk right now

and that's blowing bill's mind because

buffalo used to not be worth anything

now it's worth a lot because they've

killed so many of them that it's harder

to find

so that's supply and demand here's what

you got to do kill more beavers

medicine wolf an old friend of bills

does tricks through town

and then crashes backward into a branch

uh it's like a sign post and uh falls

off of his horse

and hurts himself pretty badly and this

and he like sits up

and the words out of her mouth is god

damn

everyone laughs at the guy when he sits

up and then bill pours a bunch of

alcohol down his throat and he

yells goddamn again and then passes out

and probably dies of a coma

no he comes no he's fine but yeah i

wouldn't have let him go to sleep right

here he's concussed

for sure this is this is when you don't

feel like god damn is in

the character of you know a native

american to say

i don't even know if he's actually

supposed to be native american

i i did enjoy us coming up with like

what's this guy's name again you're like

medicine ball

i kept cutting a medicine ball

but uh yeah but medicine and bill and

frapp go to talk to iron belly

because they want to they want a

solution to this problem about beaver

being too cheap

and he tells them the legend of this

mythical beaver valley

there's just it's just overflowing with

beaver and uh

they're trying they're fighting with

each other to get into your traps

this this film is just full of

euphemisms yeah it is

uh i i do like that he's supposedly so

old that he's wearing

like conquistador armor yes which is why

they call him iron belly because he's

actually got like

he's got like a lead chest plate

yeah bill and fraps suspect that

this mystical beaver village area is

what the blackfoot tribe have been

guarding

it's why that they're getting

particularly violent in this area

what are they doing with the beavers

it's gross we don't have to talk about

it no um

i don't know what they're doing i feel

like it's kind of like um

they're the beavers are just sacred to

them when heavy eagle is talking to his

chief or whatever we're gonna call that

guy

he says they're here to kill our beavers

and like that's the most serious

accusation that he levels at these guys

and even like the chief is like yeah

you're right we got to do something i

guess but it seems like they care a lot

about the beavers just staying alive

which is maybe why there's so many of

them in this

in this magic valley they uh they pay

him for the information

and then he rapes a young indian girl

that seemed pretty consensual although

he was she was a child

well he was very gross yes the next day

running moon kicks bill in the nuts

after a very short fight for leaving her

behind

a tradesman is making fun of them he's

laughing at bill for losing the fight so

quickly because he's not willing to

fight back really

and then bill attacks that guy and

throws him against a wagon we'll see

this guy again later

yeah wyatt leaves to start his ice

selling business in oregon

oregon the way they just they pronounce

it makes it sound more like a shape that

i'm not familiar yeah

uh never to be seen again not not for

death

but uh he is just he's out of the story

no i liked him

i have a feeling that the darker version

of the story

is he didn't make it out of that he

doesn't make it out or we're like well

at least we have this ice to keep his

body in one piece until it gets the

murray gone

where his children are waiting for it uh

running moon prepares a meal for the men

she's like she's become their wife now

and

they're maybe at least less abusive than

heavy eagle but still not great husbands

she she seems very eager to please yeah

them

like because she's written by men yeah

and that's their fantasy as a girl that

will just do everything for them

and uh she's rubbing bill's feet by a

fire and uh

they continue that's pretty gross

shelton has this 70 year old

feet well it's not just he's a mountain

man yeah just the implication of this

this

guy's probably got all kinds of like

yeah parasites and

fungus and and he's probably got the

ringworm what's his name uh the aviator

feat

i was gonna say i was gonna say uh mr

deeds feat

[Laughter]

either one of them works um she tells

them that she's heard this legend about

the

the beaver valley since childhood but

it's only a legend

and uh suddenly bill is being pursued by

blackfoot warriors

he gets shot at i think by them do they

shoot at him do they have guns

um they do have guns i don't remember if

this is when they shoot him

everybody he turns and shoots back and

yeah he kills

a couple of them by shooting them and

stabs a few and eventually they're all

dead

or surrendering and running away yeah

and and

because there's two attacks there's

attack during the day and then there's

an attack at night

that night they come back and take all

the horses yeah and they managed to kill

one of those guys trying to take the

horses um and the other guy

again runs away they had like an alarm

because their donkey is terrible

and it's not very well tamed and so when

they tried to steal the donkey

they just went nuts and threw the guy on

the ground and that's

how they became aware of it and they

shoot one i thought it was interesting

earlier when the

i think the donkey goes off when uh when

frapp is working on it

yeah and they that just after they meet

the the ice man

and uh he he yells

like this is like this is the language

to like everybody

back off like stay away because this

thing is going to kick you in the head

and kill you well donkeys were the

original cpr machines

so you would have to shout clear before

yeah

it's not a cpr machine that you say

clear for

yeah that donkeys were the original

defibrillators

and i believe it's a mule okay sorry

mules were the original defibrillators

so

you have to uh shout clear before they

kick you in the chest and break all your

ribs and you die

i don't know let's just put them out of

their misery i guess

clear we got one dead guy running moon

is worried that heavy eagle is after her

specifically because of all these

blackfoot attacks

and the next day they're ambushed

and they're aimish they're eating the

next day they wake up amish

they don't use any electricity anymore

everybody was amish in the 1830s the

next day they're ambushed

while traveling through the woods frapp

is pushed down over a log and scalped

there's a fight you know right one of

them one of the

uh blackfoot tribe gets shot falls off

his horse

and there's a big sound when he lands

like he farted yeah i pointed that out

to you when that happened

and that's another thing i rewinded

multiple times trying to figure out

what it could possibly be and

i have nothing i have an idea

what if he farted somebody farted yeah

but

it's like was this an attempt to be

funny

in this moment this was take seven and

that was the quietest fart that the guy

could land

you're just trying to be realistic

because you lose bowel control

when you die yeah that's like when i

convinced daddy that

when people say ghosts they're just

talking about your body's last

fart when you die and that's what leaves

your body

she thought i was serious frapp is

scalped

um so on top of losing

a bunch of skin on the top of his head

he has to inhale this dead guy's fart

he's also got an axe in his back oh yeah

that too

bill runs to because he assumes at this

point that

there's too many of them for him to

fight on his own and

frapp is dead so he runs to running moon

and they escape together

i like the score here yeah it's got this

really cool musical moment

as we show the two of them kind of on

the move but setting up various beaver

traps

and uh he's like shooting and preparing

deer for dinner

he comes back from a hunt they have a

sexy time

yeah but first we see this quick moment

of her

she's uh she's like hiding a blanket or

something that she's working on when he

comes back from a hunt

um and then they yeah they set up like a

tent on the side of a river and have

sexy times

the next day he asks her where his shirt

went

and she gives him one that she made

which is what she was working on that

she was writing but

where did his shirt go does she just

make the shirt into this shirt

i think i think she's got rid of it

she's gonna need this old shirt you're

gonna wear the shirt

stinky old shirt you're not gonna wear

that old shirt anymore i got you a new

shirt

yeah that's very husband and wifey

i have more than two grades of laundry

okay there's not just clean and dirty

there are many subtle levels okay i hang

this outside the window for 20 minutes

it's good as new

but he's he's very pleased with this uh

shirt

which is made in the style of of her

tribe presumably

and he holds it up and he says that

shines there

it truly shines

which is like the the 1830s vernacular

for when something's groovy

also which is what we would say today oh

that was because her name was moon

oh no i think it's just the thing that

mountain men said

blackfoot warriors pursue them they

meander into a stream

as though charlton heston were an

elderly man

which is to say like a half mile an hour

just

sort of one step at a time one foot in

front of the other

and he is an elderly man no he is and

he's not supposed to be playing a young

man no like

like this isn't like dick tracy yeah

where warren beatty is just way too old

to be playing

tracy and yet for some reason these

blackfoot warriors

a team in their late teens and early 20s

are unable to catch up with this guy

because he's charlton heston yeah stunt

charlton makes considerably better

progress

uh through the river and uh but suddenly

the blackfoot tribe has the high ground

they're basically lining this whole

hillside as he's trying to get out of

the water

and bill fires a shot up at them but

they bear down on him

and running moon and basically

completely trample this woman to the

ground with the horse

which someone got run over by a horse in

this shot it

looks extremely real yeah it's nice to

know that they care as much about the

horses as they do about the actors

though i have to say

as long as the shot works but uh they

take a big rock and they knock him out

but they don't kill him they just knock

him out and he wakes up

strung up in a tent uh with his arms

like tied to the ceiling of the tent

and he keeps asking heavy eagle where

running moon went until

eagle says she died and he's gonna die

in the morning

yeah eagle's face paint seems to

resemble the twirly mustache of the 20s

villain

did you notice that it's like a little

curly thing i wanted him to like reach

up in i know

he has a couple of different face paints

in here but the

funny little mustache one is my favorite

yeah we'll throw a picture of that on

the uh on the instagram

bill is given the opportunity to run to

a post

it's basically like a spear like a

weapon that they stab into the ground

and they give you the opportunity to run

to it pull it out of the ground and you

can defend yourself with it

but he runs like giving him a head start

right but he runs

to it and he grabs the post and

continues running in that direction

at which point a team of blackfoot

characters chase him

through the woods he comes to a river

where there's like

a a beaver dam i don't know what you

would call this thing

a beaver bubble um that's it's a beaver

dam that's exactly what a beaver dam

i thought a dam was just like okay a

death a river maybe a beaver den

yeah sure or a living room and he

jumps into the river and surfaces in

this beaver's living room

and there's like three or four of them

in there because

because you want to have a beaver as a

friend

yeah that [ __ ] is on the lake lakeside

my ass like on

what is that from it's [ __ ] edward

so he pops up in this beaver's living

room and there's

two or three of them that are inside of

this little bubble of wood on the top of

the water

when the blackfoot people get to the

shore

they they can't see where he disappeared

to they can see the wood of this beaver

dam but they don't realize that there's

a

a breathable area under the wood oh they

know that they're not dumb

they know how beavers live i think they

are dumb because they

didn't know that one guy stopped and

looked and the only reason the rest of

them turned

a different way is because a deer ran

into the bushes and made a noise then

they thought it was him

right and then when their friend never

came out of the water they went home

and weaved baskets isn't this where they

come back and they have the whole chase

down the thing and there's a

there's a raging river first he stabs

the guy

yeah i like i like the reveal like

because the guy comes up first and then

just blood pours out of his mouth so we

have charlton hiding with all these

beavers

probably feeling a little bit guilty

about murdering them for

his entire life because they just saved

him

and then well they're not being very

hospitable they're sitting there hissing

at him yeah i would too

if some random dude just came into your

house

hitler of my people surfaces in my

living room

are you gonna hiss at him yeah i'm gonna

hit him

and that's me being polite if the most i

do to my hitler

is go away

[Laughter]

then that's that's practically a

greeting compared to what this person

deserves

they should be eating his face but then

a hand pops out of the water

and starts choking charlton out and uh

he drops

and then in his place the the blackfoot

guy surfaces

and like you said he just starts

gurgling blood yeah

which is great and then more blood comes

up from the water and then charlton

pulls the guy down

and he should have just stayed in this

this little

cove for like a few years and learned

the beaver language

and just eaten them for sustenance

[Music]

just cut to slowly chewing on a live

beaver

um he's got a beaver hat the next time

it's like 20 minutes later and he's

wearing a bee breath

it's just blood gushing down his face

did you just cut open that beaver and

put it on your head

no no anyway i gotta go

word gets back to heavy eagle that bill

has escaped

um and the messenger is ball smashed

a heavy eagle takes off i thought you

meant that was his name

this is medicine ball and over here we

have ball smash ball smash

he suffered a terrible accident and he

is childless

um yeah so heavy eagle isn't pleased and

he says

i'll track him myself right and

successfully does

and successfully does but they don't

find him in this this little wood bubble

they find him

just running along a cliffside and heavy

eagle just

blindly tackles him off a cliff and the

two of them tumble into a river

and there's this really loud music and

this raging water and you're splashing

and loud and loud and loud and it just

cuts

instantly to the next scene where

there's just like a crackling fire in a

tent

they they go over the waterfall when it

hard cuts

yeah well a heavy eagle swims ashore and

sees

bill still struggling in the water and

then bill goes over the waterfall and

then there's the cut

yeah yeah but it's just crazy like

halfway down the waterfall we hard cut

to

indian village yeah but it was it was

funny too because as soon as they fell

in the water i told you like

i'm just putting in my notes they fall

all the way to a waterfall because we

know what's going to happen here

and then it took a while yeah i was like

oh maybe i was wrong nope

you were right eagle gets out just

before the waterfall and then

charlton goes over and for sure dies

don't tell me

we're about to go over a huge waterfall

yep sharp rocks at the bottom

most likely bring it on

everything all the sound cuts

immediately when we

move to this crackling fire in a tent

where

running moon she's alive uh is

serving heavy eagle uh gourd bowl with

some kind of soup in it

and he like kisses it into her mouth

yeah

and then she just spits it back out yeah

but she doesn't spit it out she just

lets it fall out of her mouth slowly

yeah breath

what's wrong i thought you liked frog's

breath

nothing's more suspicious than frog's

breath and then he throws it in her face

because he realizes this is poisoned

and then he has his way with her yeah

this is an uncomfortable rape scene

really yeah i prefer the comfortable

rape scenes

it seems like there's a redundancy in

this phrase fair enough

this is a rape scene yes that's true

there we go

heavy eagle goes to the chief and he

says i'm gonna get these guys

i'm gonna kill him and the chief says

hey give it a rest pal

you've lost this fight too many times in

a row you got to stop knocking him out

and then

torturing him you've got to just kill

the guy eagle says that he's not going

to do it until he gets

his scalp he suspects that bill is going

to hide with the crow tribe because

that's the only place to go in this cold

winter

we cut to a pack of wolves eating a

buffalo

more like huskies yeah right but i think

they're supposed to be

wolves yeah yeah bill scares them all

off to feed himself

he climbs him out to him with his brand

new buffalo poncho

now you go through yellowstone which i

probably would have stayed near because

it seems like it probably would have

been warmer i would think so there's

like

hot springs and stuff yeah but also

there's those really dangerous acid

pools you'd want to avoid

but yeah unless it got really cold

acid heavy eagle leads a team to hunt

bill down

well he actually he's leading the team

out to go

get the crow right uh because he thinks

that bill's there though

bill comes upon the ravaged crow village

and uh he sees heavy eagles work that

basically everyone in this whole town

got killed because

a heavy eagle assumed that bill would be

hiding with them they find

iron bellies armor yeah well and i don't

know if they necessarily thought he

would be there

but they did say there's nowhere for him

to hide the only way he's going to

survive this winter

is being in this village and so if we

destroy the village he's not going to

survive this winter

yeah heavy eagle has taken medicine ball

hostage

uh that's the only person that they took

from this village i guess

renning moon bribes medicine wolf with

sustenance to tell her where bill is

because she assumes he knows

even though she's seen bill more

recently than he has

yeah and and and they're hungry too the

whole tribe is hungry because

the uh warriors aren't hunting

they're they're looking for bill yeah

they're too busy trying to kill a guy

bill finds himself on this snowy plane

uh moving through an opening and he sees

a campfire with someone sitting around

it

and he gets closer and realizes that

it's frapp and he's just sitting there

drinking coffee

he's like oh my god if i'd known you

were alive i wouldn't left you behind i

swear

if i didn't know he was laying there

scalped if i'd had known you weren't

dead

i never would have left you not for

nothing you don't have to tell me that

for christ's sake i know that

and then he shows off like the scar on

the top of his head while they share

coffee he says it felt queersome for a

while yeah

they uh they're both just making jokes

about it and uh they're clearly like

on the same page still frat mocks him a

little bit about beaver valley

say you ever find that valley the one

that's all the swarming with the beavers

where they run up on the banks and fight

one another to get in your trap

holler take me bill tyler take me

[Laughter]

fever many as stars in the sky

running moon gives medicine a blanket

and a horse to escape with

if he can find bill tell bill where she

is and that

she needs him back and that she's alive

also i don't know if she knows that he

knows that

frapp has a child bride now that he

swindled off of a local tribesman

he's very proud of it he stole one of

the

one of the tribesmen's horses and then

he traded the guy's own horse for his

daughter

the guy was like okay yeah that sounds

good

tired of feeding extra kids they

encounter medicine wolf

just as he's dying on this horse that he

got

probably from exposure and starvation he

tells them that running moon is alive

and that she's

she's with the blackfoot tribe and

heston totally steps on his lines

oh does he he's like he's like running

moon she's saying she's alive

and he's like you could just see like

he's like

yes

[Music]

she says she's alive

she waits it's like right over what he's

talking yeah like

bill decides that he's going to full-on

attack the blackfoot tribe by himself

henry frapp offers to help and bill goes

nah

you stay here and sleep with your child

bride and frapp comes anyway

he says that uh that his

child bride got traded away anyway like

the guy

traded her for the horse again and then

he stole the horse back

so everything that happened happened in

reverse they meet up with

frenchy and angry frenchie is the

tradesman that was making fun of him for

losing a fight to a girl earlier

the seymour cassell character and uh

angry i don't know who angry is but he's

just an angry guy

he just sounded like a couple of dwarves

yeah the uh

the blackfoot tribe arrives and kills

angry very quickly

and frenchie has to bury him because

it's his friend

but the blackfoot uh steal the horses

frenchy basically leads their war party

right to bill and frapp

by trying to get away so they're all

chasing frenchie

as he's burying his friend and then he

runs to bill and frapp and says hey

they're chasing me and they're like

why'd you come over here

you jerk the blackfoot tribe led by

heavy eagle offers a parlay

which uh if you've seen pirates of the

caribbean you know means that

it's supposed to be like a truce and

you're supposed to go and negotiate the

terms of your agreement

and then you trick them and then you

trick them and it's a lie

so it's always a lie and bill and frapp

know this and so they don't go across

the river

um but frenchie's like no i don't want

to die today so i'm going to go talk to

these guys

and then they just stab him a bunch of

times and then cut his head off

so they start riding around swinging his

head from their horses

another wave of black foot uh swing

through

and frap takes an arrow to the chest and

dies a second time this is there's a

weird moment here

are you really dead this time yeah you

better i'm gonna wait

i'm just gonna hang out for a second but

uh there's a weird moment here after he

dies

where suddenly it seems like there's no

danger

for like a few minutes where he's just

like reminiscing and they're just

talking about stuff

and then suddenly like he looks back

over the log and there's there's

blackfoot indians that are coming right

at him as he's dying henry basically

demands to know the truth of beaver

valley

he's like tell me the truth you found it

didn't you and he's like

yeah yeah i found it it was great and

then i left for no reason

and i'm dying out here in the cold with

you he rides

his horse back up to the blackfoot

village and he

crashes it full speed into heavy eagles

horse

so much so hard that both of them fall

off of their horses

like it's it's a head-on collision like

literally

two horses heads are smashing into each

other here it's horrifying

bill tackles heavy eagle into a tent and

almost gets him strangled to death but

then heavy eagle takes a huge

chunk out of bill's arm just bites a big

gap out of his arm

and he stands up and while bill is

reeling from this bite he just spits out

this huge chunk

yeah it's really gross um and then

he gets bill cornered and right as he's

about to swing an axe down

running moon just blows a hole through

him with a shotgun yeah

and she takes her man back and that's

the end of the movie

and i'm really glad it ended that way

because i think it was the only way

it would all be okay is if she shot him

and ended this

yeah so there's not like a blood feud

well it's justice served you know like

she got her justice we don't have any

weirdness about

it being killing more native americans

yeah but also

uh the tribe really was getting sick and

tired of heavy eagles crap

right so i think they're good with this

and like hey you got rid of him

we're done we're we're good we'll just

let you go your way we'll go our way

yeah but then they leave frapp's body up

on this like funeral pyre

but right where he died right where he

died and and i get why

this is like a this is like a real thing

where they would leave

bodies up on these uh like is it

isn't it an indian burial isn't it yeah

that's a way yeah but

you wouldn't to me you wouldn't leave it

in the floodplain of a river where it's

just immediately gonna get washed out

okay it washed out on the next storm

no i think i would just because i want

to see him again i want to be surprised

when he washes up again i mean he's a

good

you know 8 10 feet in the air i don't

think it's gonna get washed out

by the way this is a pretty cool

location to be your final resting place

i know you were commenting oh yeah right

at the end right at the end this

like the sunset in the the mountains it

was it was beautiful

yeah they shot in like four different

national parks for the production

and all of the photography they get is

gorgeous because

none of it is faked i mean the closest

thing we get to

real fake material is the

the water rafting stuff yeah where you

have these inserts of

someone just blasting charlton with a

hose

so that it looks like he's the one

floating down the river

most of the exteriors are just really

really gorgeously shot

uh our directory here first time

director richard lang

he went on to a lot of television work

he was a director

on beverly hills nano 2 and 0 and

melrose place for good chunks of both

shows

he also directed a change of seasons in

1980

so we'll get him back before the end of

this year

writer frazier clark heston he is

charlton's

son he's the writer director of a tv

movie of treasure island in 1990

starring his father

he directed second unit on city slickers

i'm imagining uh charlton heston played

long john silver

sure it sounds right that restaurant was

in that movie right

our our writer frasier clark heston here

also played baby moses in the ten

commandments oh wow

oh really yeah oh that's interesting so

uh i was right he did play long john

silver in the

treasure island and who played jim

hawkins but a young christian bale

oh really oh okay then i i might have

seen that one oliver reed

christopher lee oh my god this movie's

got an amazing cast well we won't get to

it in what year 19

90 10 years wait is that a theatrically

released it wasn't a tv movie

um it says not rated so i'm assuming

it's the tv movie

oh okay usually it says tv but who knows

um charlton heston here played bill

tyler um he was ben hur

and moses he's in soylent green omega

man

he's george taylor and planet of the

apes and he'll be back for the awakening

later this year which i think is a mummy

movie

so that's fun charlton heston obviously

later in his his life is the nra stuff

yeah your feelings on those aside i

still enjoy him as an actor

he he did get a little weird at the end

he did have

what seemed to be a sense of humor about

himself as

as an actor like his part in in true

lies where he's like this eye-patched

head of this organization which is like

what are you doing

and my favorite moment in wind world 2

when he's

literally dollied in to replace the gas

station attendant

yeah i feel like charlton heston is he's

interesting because

he's a weird-looking guy like he's kind

of always been a weird-looking guy

and i kind of always thought he was a

bad actor

but i just like the way he delivers the

lines even if i don't

he never feels like an actual person he

always feels like an actor in all of his

roles

but it's still infinitely watchable

yeah i kind of feel the same way about

like shatner most of the time

where it's like he never plays a

believable character but

his acting is so fun that you could just

watch it

uh brian keith here was henry frapp uh

he played mitch evers in the parent trap

yeah that's where i recognize him from

um he's also buckshot roberts and

young guns and he played teddy roosevelt

in the wind in the lion

i could see him as teddy roosevelt uh i

know the wind of the lion but i'm not

hyper familiar with it sean connery and

candice bergen

victoria rasimo played running moon

uh she was nurse saint cloud and ernest

goes to camp

and she plays ramona in prophecy i think

it's good

that we have somebody with at least some

native american

heritage in one of these roles yes

because that's not the case as we get

further down the list

um john glover was nathan wyeth he's

wonderful and i wish he was actually in

more of this movie and actually

i didn't mention it before but the first

scene where he's meeting the charlton

heston character

he's like trying to offer him a

handshake and charlton has to just kind

of staring at his hand like who is what

is

happening who is this person well and

charlie yeah and he's completely naked

yeah and he's completely naked but it

reminds me so much of

in scrooged when john glover is trying

to shake hands with

bill murray and bill murray's doing the

same thing like what is this guy

why is he here why is he trying to talk

to me but he's bryce cummings and

scrooged

the guy who's basically taking over uh

frank cross's job

yeah um he's daniel clamping gremlins ii

the guy who owns the building

that's that might be i love scrooged but

his performance in greenland's two might

be my favorite yeah

um he's uh he's saperstein and in the

mouth of madness

he has a couple dc connections he's the

he's the father to

a couple of bad guys um he's lex

luthor's dad on smallville

and he's mark strong's dad in the shazam

movie that just came out

yeah he's also the co-conspirator or

co-creator of

bane oh is he he's in the poison ivy

bane

mr freeze which is what batman batman

forever

oh is he yeah he he's like in the lab

where bane is created when poison ivy

comes in

i did not realize he was in that david

aykroyd was medicine wolf

david aykroyd was trembo

trumbo from trumbo's world i actually

paused the movie for a while i'm like

do you recognize this guy

[Music]

he uh he is in the sixth episode of

macgyver called trumbo's world

where he plays a guy who lives in south

america and his farm

is attacked by ants he also plays a

character named antius

in zena um and he was the voice of

ezekiel rage on johnny quest

i think oh he was ezekiel rage we must

have mentioned yeah we have talked to

him because uh zico are such a great

character

william lucking was jim walker here

that's what you called angry yes okay

he was a highway patrolman in the ninth

configuration

he also plays five different cops on

murder she wrote

and he played piney in 49 episodes of

son of anarchy

seymour cassell was lebont that's

frenchy

he plays bert fisher and rushmore that's

uh the father of the main character kid

i understand you're a neurosurgeon no

i'm a barber

but a lot of people make that mistake um

he also played

sam catch him and dick tracy and he was

esteban and life aquatic

he's he's a very brief role yeah uh he's

also in

royal tenenbaums as the i believe is the

elevator operator yeah he gets used by

by wes anderson a lot victor jory was

iron belly

he plays victor wilkinson and gone with

the wind

he's helen keller's dad and the miracle

worker

he played lamont cranston on the shadow

and uh this was his last feature film

and then inga swenson you know that

lemon the cranston is the shadow

yes okay i i i like you sure i didn't i

didn't specify

yeah he is the shadow yes lamont

cranston is the shadow that's his

his alter ego who knows what evil works

in the hearts of man

the shadow knows but shadows aren't

innately fast

is that true it's from turbo

uh turbo

the white shadow because i'm so fast all

you see is my

shadow i don't get it

i'm fast like a shadow yep

but shadows they're not inherently fast

what shadow inga swenson

plays the white singer at the mountain

men gathering so she must be singing at

the

at the rendezvous yeah she played helen

keller's mom

in the miracle worker so we have both of

helen keller's parents from the miracle

worker in this movie

oh i forgot to mention for heavy eagle

he was strongly considered to play the

part of picard

apparently oh i don't know why i skipped

him too

in the next generation yeah oh i didn't

know that yeah

steven mocked as the actor's name played

running eagle

yeah uh heavy eagle heavy eagle sorry

well

and he's got some great credits yeah he

um he's in monster squad

right he's shawn's dad dell he also

plays six different characters on murder

she wrote

and then he has a credit coming up later

this year that's an awesome character

name

sergeant thor in galaxina

uh he is great in

graveyard shift oh okay he plays the

head of the the owner of the

the textile mill graveyard shift oh yeah

it's this crazy

uh scene with ewan mcgregor no no no

it's uh

uh i don't know if you would know any of

these people except for brad dorf

uh chucky but uh it's a really great

movie

it's this is this mill where there's

like a monster in the basement that

keeps killing people and ends up being

you know spoiler ends up being this

gigantic bat

okay um and you know what i've heard a

different i heard a podcast review that

movie before

yeah um but war uh he plays a character

named warwick warwick

who owns the place and he just chews the

scenery every time he's on

there's this great scene where he's like

aggressively eating an apple

um he he is great and brad dorf delivers

this amazing monologue

he's never not great so highly recommend

graveyard shift we we cannot neglect to

mention

the legend of galgameth oh yeah

who was in that that heavy

heavy eagle was in this heavy eagle was

in it yeah when i was scrolling through

his credits

there was one movie that stood out

called the legend of gal gameth

which uh do you know what the legend of

gal games i don't know this one look up

the legend of galgamath

take a look at this poster we'll throw a

picture of this poster on

on the instagram so the imdb describes

it as

a young prince fights to free his people

with the help of

his family mascot a small dragon that

grows

upon eating metal yeah

and the cover boxes make it look like

it's for either

preschoolers or for adults

the the little dragon looks like uh

like the baby from dinosaurs and then he

eats metal and turns into

uh what looks like some sort of kaiju

that's going to

you know fight honestly he looks a lot

like baby godzilla from uh

i forget which godzilla movie that is

yeah it's the one with like the little

boy i'm trying to look it up right now

it looks magical though yeah i'll i'm

just gonna for no reason include one

picture of the baby dragon

from galaga math so god 1996 yeah 96

and the graphics look like it's if you

talk if you showed me that poster and

you said

what year is this movie from i would

have said 81

tops yeah yeah but it honestly looked

super familiar to me i feel like i might

have seen this i might have two

but uh galaga math it looks great

jess is this an up or down for the

mountain men you know

i went into it pretty darn skeptical

because i thought i would be

really bothered by the portrayal of

native americans and

treatment of women and all sorts of

things in this which i was slightly

bothered by those things

but honestly i really enjoyed the movie

overall i think it was

i think it was pretty good i gave it a

note yeah i think i'm going to give this

a thumbs up too

it honestly just i think the uh

the chemistry between frapp and bill is

enough to totally save the movie

like the two of them feel like they're

legitimately having a good time

i'm glad that relationship came back

because when we thought he was dead

after being sculpted i'm like oh man

was the last person i cared about yeah i

mean

their banter back and forth was was

really uh engaging

and he he just has such a great laugh

frank keith character henry frapp

um it's just whenever he cracks up about

something it like

i i can't help but laugh with him up or

down richard uh i will also give it

up um it's not exactly on the fence it's

a little bit above the fence

but i did enjoy it and like i said i'm

always just interested

i think you're right as as far as like

the relationship between

frapp and bill yes it's just like yeah

this is like i would prefer it was just

more of this

yeah it feels like a uh you know jack

lemmon walter matthau

just arguing with each other grumpy or

old men type and this was long after

like jeremiah johnson

uh which is you know similar themes of

mountain men and native american attacks

and

and whatnot but uh

i liked it yeah um where does this go on

your

letterbox jess uh so it's it's pretty

high up there actually

well above the windows threshold it's um

i don't know it's about 18 or 20 down on

my list it's between

little miss marker and the last married

couple in america

okay richard um i'm

putting apparently i'm putting all my

westerns in a row here

um i'm gonna put this just below tom

horne

uh which is just above the gong show

movie but it's also in line with the

long run that classic

western the gong show well i mean

because because it goes long riders tom

horn and now

right uh mountain men yeah um

on that on kind of a combination of

those two notes

uh i am putting it above the long riders

and just below last married couple

which is also relatively high on my list

i would say

yeah this was an enjoyable one i think

that's about everything for this one

if you guys have any thoughts you'd like

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vintage video podcast thank you so much

for listening and i hope you'll join us

next time

when we'll be discussing happy hooker

goes hollywood which imdb summarizes

like so

a prostitute writes a bestseller book

about her profession

which attracts the attention of a studio

executive who attempts to get it made

into a movie

we leave you now with the trailer for

happy hooker ghost hollywood

they're back again xavier hollander and

her girls

[Music]

[Applause]

they're looking

[Music]

have you slept with anyone interesting

since coming to hollywood you mean

besides you xavier hollander's new movie

happy hooker goes hollywood can you make

it in holland

i want this book to be a blockbuster

movie yeah

give me the rights to this book you get

me this girl

get me a xavier how do you make movies

you make movies with money thank you

xavier they'd have to drag me out of

here they just might have to

[Music]

money comes easy to the girls of xavier

hollander

tonight will be the most memorable night

of your life

come and get your bouncy bouncy bouncy

bouncy don't say a word my love

just come to me

they're more beautiful than ever someone

get some champagne we're all gonna make

a

movie starring martin beswick adam west

phil silvers

richard deacon army archer

[Applause]

[Music]

hollander's happy hooker goes hollywood

she's coming to a theater near you